Many of the people I coach are told they sound “too direct” in English, and some are told the opposite: that nobody noticed they disagreed. Both problems have the same fix: say your point once, clearly, in the softer form English expects.
01Why your normal can sound rude
In The Culture Map, Erin Meyer separates two things: how directly people give negative feedback, and how comfortable they are with open disagreement. Cultures differ on both, and not always in the same direction.
In many teams in Central and Eastern Europe and in Spain, clear criticism is a sign of respect: you’re taking the work seriously. In many US and UK teams, the same words can sound like an attack. Americans tend to wrap criticism in positives, and the British often use understatement, so the real message can sound much milder than it is.
02Upgraders and downgraders
Meyer calls them upgraders and downgraders. Upgraders make a message stronger: “absolutely”, “totally”, “definitely”, “must”. Downgraders make it softer: “a bit”, “slightly”, “maybe”, “I’m not sure”.
- When you write to US or UK colleagues, swap your upgraders for downgraders: “This is absolutely wrong” becomes “I think this might be a problem.”
- When you read them, turn their downgraders up in your head: “We’re not quite there yet” can mean “this is far from done.”
- Don’t stack too many. “I just maybe wanted to possibly suggest” hides your point. One softener per sentence is enough.
03Reading British and American softeners
A well-known joke list, sometimes called the Anglo-EU translation guide, shows the gap. It’s a joke, but the point is real.
| What they say | What they often mean |
|---|---|
| “With the greatest respect…” | “I think you’re wrong.” |
| “That’s an interesting idea.” | “I’m not convinced.” |
| “Quite good.” | “A bit disappointing.” |
| “I hear what you’re saying.” | “I disagree, and I’m not changing my mind.” |
| “Could we consider some other options?” | “I don’t like this one.” |
When you’re not sure, ask: “Just to check, are you comfortable with this, or would you change something?” It’s a normal question, and it saves weeks of misunderstanding.
04Giving critical feedback
I use Lara Hogan’s feedback equation with clients because it works in any language: observation, impact, then a request or a question.
Too direct
“Your demo was bad. You must test it before.”
Clear and respectful
“In the demo, the login step failed twice. The client asked me afterwards whether the feature was ready. Could we do a dry run together before the next one?”
Common habits that sound harsh in English: bare commands (“Fix this”), “must” (“You must change it”), “It’s wrong”, and “Why didn’t you…?”. Use “could”, “would”, “can we” and “I’d suggest” instead. Asking first also helps: “Can I give you some feedback on the demo?”
05Pushing back on a decision
- Agree on the goal first, then disagree on the method: “We both want the launch to go well. I’m worried this plan puts it at risk.”
- Ask before you push: “Can I push back on this a little?” It works even with people more senior than you.
- Give one concrete reason or fact, not five. A single strong reason is easier to hear in a second language.
- Flag it on the record: “I’d like to flag a risk before we commit.” In English, saying it once clearly is stronger than staying quiet and being right later.
- Then commit. Amazon calls it “disagree and commit”: challenge a decision before it’s made, and support it fully once it is.
06Saying no
- Make the trade-off visible and hand the choice back: “I can do X or Y this sprint. Which matters more?”
- Offer an alternative or a smaller version: “What I can do is…”
- Don’t turn a no into a yes without something else moving: the scope, the date or another task.
- Keep it short. A long explanation sounds like an excuse.
07Instead of this, say this
| Instead of | Try |
|---|---|
| “You’re wrong.” | “I see it differently.” |
| “This won’t work.” | “I’m worried this might not scale, because…” |
| “You must fix this.” | “Could you take another look at this before Friday?” |
| “No.” | “I can’t take this on this sprint without dropping X. Which should go?” |
| “Why didn’t you test it?” | “What testing did we do on this?” |
| “This is absolutely unacceptable.” | “This is a real problem for us.” |
| Situation | Phrases |
|---|---|
| Disagreeing | “I see your point, and I’d look at it a bit differently.” · “I’m not sure I agree, and here’s why.” |
| Flagging a risk | “I want to flag a risk before we commit.” · “My concern is…” |
| Feedback | “Can I give you some feedback on the demo?” · “When X happened, the effect was Y. What do you think?” · “Something that would help is…” |
| Saying no | “I’d like to help, but I don’t have capacity this week.” · “What I can do is…” · “If this is the priority, what should I pause?” |
| Committing | “I still have some doubts, but I’m fully behind the decision.” |